SELF-MASTERY

Can we please stop talking about mentally ‘strong’ people?

You can’t escape the listicles and click-bait talking about ‘mental strength’ but more dangerous than the sometimes ill-informed pop psychology is the idea of mental strength entirely.

I grew up like a lot of guys with a pretty terrible relationship with my own emotions. I had loving parents who knew what they were doing as much as any parents (i.e. not much but they muddled through) and they were nurturing and affirming. If that wasn’t a good enough recipe I had a similarly equipped older sister and I generally formed healthy friendships. But my emotions were pretty cut-off, despite knowing intellectually it’s OK for men to cry and emotions aren’t weak. I didn’t explore my emotions. The difference between what I thought was OK to feel and what I allowed myself to feel was driven by an internalised sense of manliness.

But to the outside world, this made me strong. I rarely cried (the only allowable exception is of course ‘Marley and Me’, I’m not made of stone) and whilst I could talk about my emotions I wouldn’t connect with them as much as I’d like.